


from the ground up

by eddiesdiaz



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Character Development, Christopher Diaz Has Two Dads, Communication, Developing Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Healthy Relationships, M/M, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Therapy, Vulnerability, did you guys know that i would die for eddie diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26078977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eddiesdiaz/pseuds/eddiesdiaz
Summary: If he’s honest, Eddie gets why Buck filed the lawsuit.He does. He understands the hopelessness, the feeling you’re losing all control, like you’re sinking, drowning, desperate for a way out. He knows because it’s the same way he felt when he enlisted.That doesn’t mean it hurts any less when Buck leaves him, though.(Basically 8,000 words of Eddie working through his abandonment/communication/intimacy issues and building a strong, healthy relationship with Buck, because it's what he deserves.)
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 32
Kudos: 321





	from the ground up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [florenceandthemachine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/florenceandthemachine/gifts).



> Read on [Tumblr](https://eddiesdiaz.tumblr.com/post/625735491642425344)

If he’s honest, Eddie gets why Buck filed the lawsuit.

He does. He understands the hopelessness, the feeling you’re losing all control, like you’re sinking, drowning, desperate for a way out. He knows because it’s the same way he felt when he enlisted.

Buck definitely went about it the wrong way, and it was a dumbass move, sure, but then, so was running off to war to avoid being a husband to his wife and a father to his child. Eddie’s all too familiar with making the worst possible decision when the pressure becomes too much to bear.

He knows Buck down to his core, knows him better than he’s ever known anyone, and he knows with absolute certainty that he never meant to hurt anyone. He was doing what he thought he had to do to get back to his job, back to his family, just like Eddie was doing what he thought he had to do to save his family from discovering the inevitable truth that he wasn’t enough.

Eddie _gets_ it. All of it. He does.

That doesn’t mean it hurts any less when Buck leaves him, though.

It takes weeks of therapy for Eddie to work through exactly why that is, why it felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest every moment Buck was gone.

He’s never really entertained the possibility that he could have issues with abandonment, mostly because it seems ridiculously hypocritical. What right does he have to get upset over Shannon leaving when he was the one that left first? As far as he’s concerned, it was just karma, the universe righting itself. He’d deserved it.

Frank helps him realize that while yes, he had hurt Shannon, that doesn’t negate the fact that she’d hurt him, too. She left him three times — once years ago, once when she asked for the divorce, and once when she died — and each time hurt Eddie that much more, drove the knife in deeper and left his heart a wounded, broken mess.

He panicked with Buck because he was the first person he’d let so completely into his life, into Christopher’s life, since Shannon. Buck fit into their lives immediately, effortlessly, like he belonged there. Like it’s where he was always meant to be. He made his family feel whole again, and Eddie valued that more than anything. He sees Buck as his partner, as a co-parent to his kid.

Time and time again, no matter what, Buck had always, _always_ showed up for Eddie and for Chris, and then he just…disappeared, and it was terrifying.

Eddie’s long since forgiven him — Buck had apologized, profusely, with an explanation that was largely unnecessary because Eddie already _knew_ — but part of him is keeping Buck at arm’s length, too.

He’s not blind, and he’s not stupid. He knows what he and Buck have is something special, something so much deeper and more profound than just friendship. Eddie had loved Shannon with everything he had, but Buck…Buck is something else entirely. The way he feels about Buck transcends space and time and logic; he’s a part of Eddie, just as much as Christopher is. Eddie needs Buck to survive, can’t fucking _function_ without him, and the lawsuit had been proof of that.

That’s exactly why Eddie can’t take that next step, though; he needs Buck too much. Because there’s no way it would ever be casual — he’d marry Buck tomorrow, and his track record on that front speaks for itself. He’s already proven he makes a shit husband, and if they got together, Buck would figure it out sooner rather than later. He’d realize Eddie isn’t enough and then he’d leave him, too.

It’s months of long, exhausting work before Eddie can finally accept that Buck isn’t Shannon. He’s here, and he’s all in, and he hasn’t done anything to make Eddie doubt that — aside from the slip up with the lawsuit, but since then, he’s worked even harder to prove he’s not going anywhere. And Eddie…Eddie believes him.

He spends several sessions focused solely on figuring out what he’s going to say to Buck. He’s not good with words, he never has been, but he needs to get this right. Even once he finally has a script he’s happy with, complete with Frank’s stamp of approval, he still puts the conversation off for weeks, because while he’s in a much better place than he was before therapy, he’s still so unbelievably afraid.

In the end, unsurprisingly, it’s Buck who finally coaxes it out of him, makes Eddie feel safe and supported enough to bare his heart to him.

Buck invites him over on their day off, after Eddie tells him that Chris will be gone for most of the day on a play date with Denny. Buck makes him lunch, and they stand hip to hip at the kitchen sink afterwards, Eddie washing the dishes and Buck drying them (because he never respects the “you cook, I clean” rule, despite Eddie’s best efforts). They talk about what they’re going to make for the bake sale at Christopher’s school, and who’s going to pick him up on which days this week. It’s natural, _easy_ , like they’re in this together. Like finally, after years of being a single parent…Eddie’s not alone anymore.

They’re sitting on the couch — Buck’s got his legs draped over Eddie’s lap and Eddie has a hand resting on his knee, like he’s afraid Buck will up and leave if he’s not holding on to him — when Buck says, quietly, “Hey, Eddie?”

“Hmm?” Eddie hums, gaze still fixed on the TV.

“You know you’re my best friend, right?”

Eddie looks over at him then, eyebrows knit in confusion. “I know, Buck.”

“Okay,” Buck says, nodding to himself. “And you know that I’ve got your back, and I’m here when you’re ready to talk about whatever you’ve been thinking so hard about these past few weeks?”

Of course Buck noticed; he can read Eddie like a book. Eddie braces himself for the panic that’s overtaken him every time he’s thought about having this conversation, but it never comes. All he feels in this moment is comfortable, at home here with Buck.

“I do actually have something I need to say to you,” he says, reaching for the remote so he can mute the TV. “It’s kind of a whole thing. A speech, I guess. I’ve practiced, but it’s hard, so just…bear with me, okay?”

Buck nods without hesitation. He slides his legs off of Eddie so he can sit up and give him his full attention, but he takes Eddie’s hand in his own and squeezes gently in encouragement. “Yeah, Eds. Of course.”

Eddie takes a deep breath, feeling a little bit lighter when Buck smiles at him.

“When you filed that lawsuit, it scared the hell out of me,” Eddie starts, maintaining eye contact even though his first instinct is to look anywhere but at Buck. “I’m not saying that to make you feel bad, I promise. But it did, it scared me, because it made me realize I can’t live without you. Chris and I, we _need_ you, and I didn’t fully understand how much until you were gone.”

Buck looks like he wants to say something self-deprecating and apologetic, but he stays quiet as requested. Instead, he strokes Eddie’s hand softly with his thumb.

“It felt like Shannon. It felt like I lost another partner, like I got left again because I’m never enough to get anyone to stick around. And I know that’s not fair — you’re not her, and it wasn’t even close to the same thing — but I freaked out. I felt…abandoned, and honestly, losing you hurt more than losing Shannon ever did.”

Eddie cups Buck’s face with his free hand, using a thumb to wipe away a stray tear running down Buck’s cheek.

“I get it now, though, that this isn’t then and you and me…we’re different. We’re solid. I trust you, and I believe you when you say you’re here to stay,” Eddie says, looking at Buck with every shred of sincerity he has. “I know we’ve been _almost_ something for awhile now, and I know you’ve been giving me space to figure things out. And I’m grateful to you for that, for letting me get there in my own time, but I’m there now. I love you, Buck, and I want us to do this together for real.”

“God, Eddie, I love you too,” Buck murmurs, leaning closer to press their foreheads together. “I’m so sorry I made you feel that way.”

Eddie lets his eyes flutter shut, overwhelmed in the best way by all the intimate touches — their joined hands, his hand on Buck’s cheek, Buck’s breath on his skin. Buck’s always been affectionate, but this is on another level entirely, and Eddie’s starving for it. He hasn’t been touched like this in so fucking _long_.

“We’ve already been through this, Buck. It’s okay,” Eddie reminds him.

“It’s not, though,” Buck insists. He pulls back just enough to get Eddie’s attention, to let him know he’s serious. “It’s my turn for a speech now, okay?”

Eddie huffs out a laugh. “Yeah, okay.”

“I’m sorry for leaving you. It was stupid, and selfish, and I’ve never regretted anything more in my entire life,” Buck says, voice thick with emotion. “I was fucked up for _months_ after Abby left me, constantly wondering how a person could ever do something so cruel to someone they’re supposed to love…and then I did it to you.”

Eddie longs to interject, because listening to Buck compare himself to Abby like he’s just as bad as she is makes his skin crawl. He swallows it all, though, respecting the fact that Buck has the floor now.

“I hated every second I was away from you. I thought I was doing what I had to do to get back to you, but I wasn’t thinking about what you needed. You and Christopher didn’t need me back at work, you just needed me to _be here_ , and I hate that I didn’t see that.”

They’re both crying now, though Buck’s trying his best to hold it together so he can keep talking. He pauses to press a kiss to Eddie’s temple, and Eddie _melts_ into it, skin tingling under Buck’s lips.

“I know you say you understand, and that it’s okay, but I need you to know that it’s not. I need you to _hear me_ when I say you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s on me, _I_ was wrong, and I’m so fucking sorry, Eddie.”

That hits him like a ton of bricks. He’d always been convinced it was his fault Shannon left, that he pushed her away until she couldn’t take it anymore. He said as much to her during their worst fights, and whether it was true or not, she never corrected him.

Eddie didn’t even realize he’d been holding onto that until this moment, listening to Buck explicitly tell him the exact opposite, so _earnest_ and genuinely apologetic in a way neither he nor Shannon had ever been with each other.

“Thank you,” Eddie says, soft and reverent, though the words don’t feel anywhere near enough to express what he’s feeling.

“I love you so much,” Buck tells him, smiling almost shyly. “You and Chris are everything to me, you’re my whole world. All I’ve ever wanted is the three of us, together, forever.”

Eddie’s heart stutters in his chest. For years, he’s thought of forever as unattainable, a lie people tell each other until it’s not convenient anymore, but with Buck…he sees it.

“Forever,” he agrees, grinning. “You’ve got us, Buck, we’re not going anywhere.”

Buck looks at him with eyes so full of fondness it’s staggering, and then he’s finally, _finally_ leaning in to kiss Eddie, and it feels like coming home.

The thing is, Eddie’s never been needy before.

He was raised to be the strong one in relationships, to take care of his partner and never ask for the same in return. He knows it’s wrong, and he tries so hard every single day to teach Chris the opposite, but unlearning it himself after a lifetime of conditioning is trickier. His first instinct when something’s bothering him is always to bury it.

Today, he doesn’t even have a _reason_ to be upset. Not really. He just feels…off, like he’s looking at his life through a camera lens that’s out of focus. The mere thought of existing is exhausting, and it feels like he’s slipping away from reality, like he’s on the brink of disappearing altogether.

Sure, Eddie would love to have Buck here, grounding him with strong arms wrapped around him and murmured reminders that Eddie’s here, and he’s okay, and they’re in this together. But Buck’s working today, so it’s a nonissue. He settles for curling up in one of Buck’s sweatshirts and deals with it himself.

He spends most of the day in bed, because he doesn’t have the mental or emotional capacity to do anything else. He manages to plaster on a happy face for an hour when it’s time to pick Chris up from school, but after he’s fed him a snack and gotten him started on his homework, Eddie gives him a weak excuse about being tired and goes right back to bed — now with the added bonus of feeling guilty about lying to his kid.

Buck calls exactly two minutes after his shift’s ended, and Eddie’s taken aback by how reassuring that is, that the first thing Buck wants to do after a long day is talk to Eddie.

“Hi,” he answers weakly.

“Hey, you,” Buck says, and relief floods through Eddie just at the sound of his voice. “How are you?”

“Okay,” Eddie says without thinking about it. “How was work?”

“It was good. Missed you, though,” Buck tells him, with an easiness that never ceases to astound Eddie. He’s always so honest, says what’s on his mind even if it makes him vulnerable, and Eddie envies that.

They’re both quiet for a beat, and then Buck asks, “Hey, are you okay?”

Because Buck _always_ knows. Even when they’re miles away from each other and they’ve exchanged all of fifteen words.

Eddie almost says yes. He almost shoves it down like he always has, but in the back of his mind he can hear Frank telling him how important it is to just _communicate_. And this is a golden opportunity, because Eddie doesn’t have to just offer up all his thoughts and feelings unprompted. Buck asked him point-blank, and now he’s expecting an answer. Eddie can do this.

“I don’t know,” he says with a sigh. “Not really.”

“Okay. I’m on my way, okay? I’ll see you soon.”

Buck’s letting himself into the house twenty minutes later, and something deep inside Eddie settles as soon as he’s here.

He can hear Buck head straight into Chris’ room — he always goes to Chris first, and Eddie loves him for it. The two of them talk for a few minutes before he can just make out Buck saying “I’m gonna go check on your dad, buddy, okay?”

And then Buck’s in front of him, standing in Eddie’s doorway, beautiful and perfect and _here_.

“Hey, Eds,” he says with a fond smile.

Eddie can’t help but smile back, and it’s probably the first time he’s smiled all day. “Hey. How’s Chris?”

“All good. Homework’s done, now he’s drawing one of his famous Christopher Diaz originals for me,” Buck answers, his grin growing impossibly wider, like it always does when he talks about Chris.

He’s freshly showered, hair still damp and presumably wearing new, clean clothes, but he makes his way to Eddie’s dresser anyway. He changes into one of Eddie’s old work t-shirts, one that has Diaz printed on it in big, bold letters. It’s not the first time he’s done it, but seeing Buck wearing his name never fails to make Eddie’s heart skip a beat.

“He said you seem sad today, though,” Buck continues, turning back to face Eddie. “So tell me: what can I do?”

Eddie hesitates for the briefest of moments, afraid of letting his guard down and asking for help, before he reminds himself he doesn’t need to be. This is Buck, and Buck has his back, always.

“Can you just…lay with me for a while? Hold me?” he asks, feeling both proud of himself and pathetic at the same time.

But then Buck goes impossibly soft, looking at Eddie with an overwhelming amount of love in his eyes, and all the shame and uncertainty instantly slides away.

“It would be my pleasure,” Buck says, grinning. “I’d never turn down a chance to have you in my arms.”

Eddie flushes at that. “You’re a dork,” he murmurs, biting back a smile.

“Yeah, but I’m your dork.”

Buck pulls back the covers and crawls into bed next to Eddie, wrapping his arms around him tight. Eddie can feel the tension he’s felt all day drain from his body as he buries his face in Buck’s neck and just breathes.

“I’ve been wishing for this all day,” Eddie admits quietly against Buck’s skin.

Buck turns his head to press an easy kiss into Eddie’s hair. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were working,” Eddie says, like it’s obvious.

“Yeah, but we went hours without a call,” Buck says, rubbing Eddie’s back gently. “You could have come to see me, or we at least could have FaceTimed, or something.”

“…Oh,” he mumbles, because when you put it like that, it sounds so simple.

Buck chuckles, pulling Eddie impossibly closer like he’s something precious. “Yeah, _oh_. You’ve gotta talk to me for it to work, though. Contrary to popular belief, I can’t actually read your mind,” he teases.

“You sure about that?” Eddie asks, smiling as he brushes his lips against Buck’s collarbone softly. “You get pretty damn close sometimes.”

“Well, I _do_ consider myself something of an expert on the subject of Eddie Diaz,” Buck says, and even though Eddie can’t see him, he knows he’s grinning. “But no, I don’t have any special powers, unless you count my ability to get you naked with just one look.”

Eddie snorts, nudging Buck with his foot. “I mean, it’s an impressive skill. I’m definitely a fan.”

“Yeah, you’re a sucker for my bedroom eyes,” Buck agrees with a bright laugh. He softens after a moment, though, and he’s quieter when he says, “Hey. If I hadn’t called you tonight, would you have told me you were upset?”

Eddie only has to consider the question for all of half a second. “Probably not,” he answers honestly.

Buck disentangles them enough so he can look Eddie in the eye, but he doesn’t go far. He keeps one hand on the small of Eddie’s back, and rests the other against Eddie’s jaw.

“Edmundo Diaz,” Buck says, pulling out the full name the same way Eddie’s heard him do with Chris (albeit rarely) to show him he’s serious. “You know you can, right?”

Eddie just looks at Buck helplessly, which earns him a soft, sympathetic peck on the lips.

“It’s okay to need me, Eddie. Hell, it’s okay to just _want_ me. Even if nothing’s wrong, if you just wanna hold my hand or hear one of my stupid jokes, no one’s gonna think any less of you,” Buck tells him, eyes shining with sincerity. “Especially when something _is_ wrong, though. I wanna be there for you, Eds. I want you to _let_ me be there for you.”

“I know that. I do,” Eddie says softly. “I’m working on it. Promise.”

“I’m proud of you,” Buck says with an easy smile. “Just don’t forget you’re not in this alone anymore, okay? Never again, if I have anything to say about it.”

That knocks the breath out of Eddie. He’s not sure he’ll ever get used to how casually Buck offers up promises like that, the way he talks about a lifetime with Eddie like it’s a given.

“I love you,” Eddie says firmly. It’s one thing he’s made sure he can say with confidence; he never said it to Shannon enough, and he’s always regretted it.

“I love you too,” Buck echoes, tugging Eddie until he returns to his original position nuzzling Buck’s neck.

They fall into a comfortable silence, Buck running his fingers through Eddie’s hair gently, until they hear little footsteps coming down the hall.

“Dad?”

Eddie almost removes himself from Buck’s arms on instinct, not wanting to look weak, but he catches himself and shuts that right down. Instead, he peeks over Buck’s shoulder and smiles at Chris.

“Hey, buddy. Come up here with us.”

Chris makes his way over to the bed, and once he’s within reach, Buck scoops him up and shuffles a bit so there’s enough room to settle him snugly between the two of them. As much as Eddie misses Buck’s strong arms once they’re gone, it’s worth the sacrifice to have both of his boys here with him.

“Are you okay?” Chris asks, raising a little hand to Eddie’s cheek gently.

“I’m getting there,” Eddie says truthfully, bumping their noses together and getting a giggle out of Chris. “I was just a little sad today, and you know how bad I am at talking about it sometimes. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you.”

“That’s okay. Sometimes it’s hard to talk about,” Chris says easily, always wise beyond his years. “Did Buck help? He always makes me feel better when I’m sad.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says, looking over at Buck with what he’s sure are heart eyes. “He’s good at that, huh?”

Buck’s absolutely beaming as he leans down to press a kiss into Chris’ hair, and then stretches over him to kiss Eddie’s forehead.

Chris nods matter-of-factly in agreement. “He told me I can stay up past my bedtime to watch a movie with you if I give you really good snuggles.”

Eddie can’t help but grin at that. Buck’s always looked to him for answers to every parenting decision, not wanting to overstep (despite Eddie constantly telling him he trusts his judgment as much as his own), so it warms Eddie’s heart to see Buck finally feel comfortable enough to make the call on his own.

“That sounds like a pretty good deal to me,” Eddie says, ruffling Chris’ hair fondly.

The three of them spend the rest of the night tangled up together on the couch, and Eddie can feel his world shift back into focus, anchored by his boys.

Chris is fast asleep sprawled out over both of them when Buck looks over at him and asks, softly, “Feeling better?”

“I am,” Eddie says, nodding. “Thank you.”

Buck’s quiet for a moment, carding a hand through Chris’ hair while he sleeps.

“You know, my lease is up next month. Maybe I should just move in here, so I can keep an eye on your angsty ass.”

He says it casually, with confidence, but all Eddie needs is one glance at Buck to see the truth: he’s nervous.

As if there’s any universe in which Eddie would ever say no to that.

“Hey, I have it on good authority that you like my ass, angst and all,” he jokes, earning him a laugh from Buck.

Then, with complete sincerity, Eddie continues. “You should live here with us, Buck. This is your home, it’s where you belong.”

Buck lets out a long sigh of relief and then grins, brighter than the sun.

“Cool. I’ll put in my notice,” he says, and that’s that.

It gets easier after that. It takes time, but Eddie puts in the work in therapy to redefine what his role in a relationship should be and to allow himself to open up and be vulnerable.

Buck’s incredibly patient, always encouraging him by asking how he’s feeling rather than leaving the burden on Eddie to bring it up. It’s such a simple gesture, but it’s like a lifeline to Eddie; it’s so much easier to talk about things when someone shows you they genuinely want to know.

Living together also makes a world of difference. Now when he finds himself craving Buck’s company, he doesn’t have to look farther than a few rooms away — and most of the time, he doesn’t have to look at all, because they’re always together.

It’s so vastly different to what he remembers about living with Shannon; in their later years, at least, they did everything they could to avoid each other at home. Most of the blame lies with Eddie, he can see that now — Shannon had tried so much harder, for so much longer, to meet him halfway and fix what had been broken between them. But Eddie was hurt, so he closed himself off, and eventually, understandably, Shannon stopped trying.

They lived in the same house, but they were more like roommates than husband and wife. It got to the point where they found excuses to be gone if they knew the other was there, where they couldn’t even be in the same room together without Chris there to act as a buffer.

Eddie knows that’s not really a fair comparison to make; he and Buck are still new, and they don’t have years worth of trials and tribulations working against them. Even when he and Shannon were good, though, they had their limits — if they spent too much time together, they drove each other crazy. As much as they loved each other and enjoyed each other’s company, they also relied on their alone time when they needed a break.

He’d always just thought that’s the way relationships worked, whether they be platonic or romantic. Any two people that spend copious amounts of time together get sick of each other eventually, right?

As usual, Buck proved him wrong.

Eddie spends more time with Buck than he’s ever spent with another human being, and it’s still never enough. He never tires of having Buck by his side — at work, at home, and everywhere in between. Hen and Chim love to tease them about being codependent, but the way Eddie sees it, after all the times both he and Buck have been left behind, they’ve earned the right to cling to each other.

A few months into living together, Buck’s parents come to town. Visiting their children they haven’t seen in years isn’t the actual reason for their trip, but they manage to pencil in a few hours for Buck and Maddie.

They’re nice enough people, but that’s all Eddie can really say about them. Their default setting when it comes to their kids seems to be indifference, and Eddie just…doesn’t even begin to understand that, both as a parent and as someone who knows how incredible Buck and Maddie are.

He’s happy to be here for Buck, though, thankful he trusts Eddie enough to let him in on this part of his life he so rarely talks about. So he’s pleasant and respectful and pretends he cares about the surface-level small talk Buck’s parents seem so fond of.

Some of the things Buck says, on the other hand, are big. So monumentally big they get Eddie’s heart racing.

For starters, he introduces Eddie as his fiancé.

That one, Eddie actually knew was coming. Buck sat him down last night and they had a very emotionally mature conversation about it, with an ease that made Eddie feel incredibly proud.

“Look, my parents just…they don’t really get me. They don’t take me seriously, and I don’t wanna spend the entire afternoon trying to prove to them that you and I are serious,” Buck told him. “I probably won’t see them for another five years, anyway, and usually I don’t care what they think, but this is important. I want them to know we’re forever.”

And Eddie…well, Eddie wouldn’t dream of arguing with that.

So he knew. He had prepared himself for this situation. At least, he thought he had.

But the second the words leave Buck’s mouth — “Mom, Dad, this is my fiancé, Eddie,” complete with an unbelievably affectionate smile — Eddie’s heart flips over in his chest.

He starts picturing it, and he can’t stop. He imagines a ring on Buck’s finger, or maybe a tattoo instead, since they can’t wear jewelry at work. He imagines a small ceremony, just Chris and Maddie and his sisters and the 118; the people they love most in the world, cheering them on and only laughing out of fondness when Buck inevitably makes him cry with his vows. He imagines Buck with his last name, both of them getting new turnout gear and heading into danger side by side, for everyone to see — Eddie and Evan Diaz.

It’s a lot all at once, and yet, it doesn’t scare Eddie at all. He just…wants.

So he’s already reeling from that little revelation, and then Buck says something else. Something he very much _isn’t_ expecting, something completely out of left field.

Eddie’s in the kitchen with Chimney, giving the Buckleys some space to talk amongst themselves — and god, he’s so grateful Chim’s here too, navigating the uncharted territory of the Elusive Buckley Parents with him.

Chim’s telling him a story about the crib he tried and failed to put together himself last week, but both of them have most of their attention focused on the living room. They’re on edge watching the ones they love interact with these people like they’re old acquaintances at most, ready to step in at the first sign of distress.

Currently, Buck’s sitting between his parents on the couch as he scrolls through his phone, showing them approximately a million pictures of Christopher. That in itself is nothing new — he does it all the time, sings Chris’ praises to anyone and everyone who will listen, and it never fails to make Eddie grin like an idiot.

But then Buck’s mom cuts in while he’s swiping through to the next set of pictures to ask, “So, have you two talked about having more kids? You’ve always wanted one of your own.”

Eddie’s initial reaction is that he’s impressed, because it’s by far the most personal question they’ve asked either of their kids all afternoon. But then the words actually sink in, and he starts to spiral.

Because that’s…it’s something he and Buck have never talked about. Honestly, it’s never even crossed Eddie’s mind, and fuck, is that selfish of him? Sure, he knows Buck absolutely adores Chris, but is that enough? Is Eddie cheating him out of those first ten years of raising a kid, out of the chance to really feel like a father?

He doesn’t get to worry for long, though, before Buck — beautiful, wonderful Buck — shuts it right down.

“I have a kid,” Buck says, eyebrows drawn together in confusion like he genuinely doesn’t understand the question. “The _best_ kid. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted and then some.”

It knocks the breath out of Eddie. He said it so simply, so wholeheartedly, like it’s just another undeniable truth of the universe, and Eddie is so fucking _gone_ on this man.

Suddenly Buck feels entirely too far away. Eddie wants to hold him close, wants to bask in the warmth of Buck’s smile as he presses kisses into his skin. And he’s worked a lot on that, on allowing himself to act on his desires and just _be_ with Buck when he wants to be, so Eddie only hesitates for the briefest of moments before he does just that.

He walks over to Buck and sits down in his lap like he belongs there, uncaring of the fact that his parents are mere inches from them and very definitely staring at Eddie.

“What’s up, Eds?” Buck asks with an amused smile, immediately reaching for him like it’s second nature. He rests one hand on Eddie’s thigh, and lets the other settle firmly on the small of Eddie’s back.

Eddie shrugs. “Just felt like reminding you how much I love you, and how lucky our kid and I are to have you,” he says easily — so fucking _easily_ , finally — and leans down so he can brush his lips against Buck’s birthmark softly.

Buck flushes bright red, but he’s grinning as he grabs a handful of Eddie’s shirt and pulls him in for a kiss.

“I love you,” he mumbles against Eddie’s lips. They both laugh into it when they hear Maddie and Chimney’s teasing coos and whistles.

Buck doesn’t let go of him again the rest of the time they’re at Maddie’s.

But then when they’re in the car on the way home, Buck reaches for his hand across the console and says the most surprising thing of the day.

“Hey, so I know I usually watch Chris while you’re at therapy, but I was thinking…maybe I could, uh, come with you some time?”

It’s not something Eddie ever thought he’d hear from Buck, given what happened the last time he saw a therapist. He’s stunned to silence for a moment.

“You don’t have to do that, Buck,” he finally says, gently. “I know how hard it would be for you to put yourself in that position again. I’d never expect that of you.”

“I know. I think it’d be good for us, though,” Buck says, squeezing Eddie’s hand. “And yeah, I don’t think I could do it by myself, but I know it’ll be okay as long as I have you there with me.”

“Is this about your parents?”

Buck shrugs. “Yeah, I guess it is. I just…we were never close. They took care of us and they loved us, because they had to, but they didn’t actually _like_ us, you know? Honestly, I don’t think they even like each other all that much. And I don’t want that for us. I don’t want our family to be anything like that.”

Eddie’s heart melts into a puddle when Buck says the words _our family_. He raises their hands to his lips and kisses Buck’s fingers softly.

“You’re nothing like them, Buck. It took me all of five minutes to see that,” Eddie says. “They may have fed you and given you a place to live, but Maddie raised you, and she did a damn good job. You’re the most caring, giving, _loving_ person I’ve ever known, and you guys did that on your own, despite your parents.”

He glances over at Buck, who’s staring pointedly at the road as he drives, tears welling up in his eyes.

“You know how you always say you aren’t good with words?” Buck asks, voice a little higher than usual. “I call bullshit.”

“Yeah, well, I’m working on it,” Eddie answers with a laugh. “Anyway, all of that being said…I would love for us to go to therapy together, if that’s what you want. You know I have your back either way, though.”

“I know,” Buck agrees, nodding. “But I want this, Eddie. Really. I wanna do everything I can to make sure we’re good.”

And Eddie has no complaints about that — not when it makes him feel so valued and important and _prioritized_ in a way he never has before.

Eddie keeps his standing individual appointment, but he and Buck have a couples session every other week, and it’s good.

Well, okay, it’s hard and a little painful at first.

Eddie learns how deeply his stupid _you’re exhausting_ comment had hurt Buck, how it still echoes around in the back of his mind when he’s at his most insecure, trying to convince him Eddie doesn’t want him around. It’s awful, and Eddie cries like a baby.

Another time, Eddie admits how angry it had made him to watch Buck nearly get himself killed to keep a stupid promise to Abby, to put his life on the line way beyond the scope of duty for someone who threw him away like he was trash. He tells him it breaks his heart sometimes to watch Buck love everyone in his life so fiercely, so unconditionally, while he treats himself like he’s nothing. It’s also awful, and _Buck_ cries like a baby.

It gets good, though. They talk things through like healthy adults and Eddie feels _comfortable_ doing it and he’s proud of them, proud of their relationship and the example they’re setting for Chris, proud of all the work they’re doing to make sure they never lose what they have. It’s good. He and Buck are the most solid, steady thing he’s ever had in his life.

But then, naturally, Eddie can feel all the progress he’s been making start to unravel at the first sign of trouble.

Because Buck’s pissed at him. Buck’s _really_ pissed at him, and he has every right to be.

They were out on a call, a fire in an apartment building, and by the time they got everyone out, the structure was just minutes away from collapsing — and then they found out there was still a little girl unaccounted for.

Buck volunteered himself without hesitation, said “I got it, Cap,” and took off back towards the building, and Eddie…

Eddie stopped him. He pulled him back and told him to let someone else take the dangerous risks for once, to think about Chris. Buck stopped dead in his tracks, looking at Eddie like he’d slapped him, and Hen had to go in instead.

She and the kid both got out okay, and of course Eddie’s grateful, but honestly, he feels like that makes what he did even worse.

He knows it was wildly unprofessional and completely inappropriate — Eddie regretted it the second it came out of his mouth — but he panicked. He’s spent so much time worrying about being abandoned again, about Buck making a conscious decision to leave him, that for awhile he’d completely forgotten about the possibility of Buck being _taken_ from him without a choice in the matter.

It hit Eddie in that moment, that Buck could just as easily die on him, just like Shannon did. So yes, he overreacted a little. He wishes he could take it back more than anything, because now Buck won’t even look at him.

He doesn’t say anything to Eddie on the ride back to the station, or in the locker room, or on the drive home. When they park in the driveway, he stays in the car for an extra minute, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath like he’s steeling himself.

“Buck,” Eddie tries, but Buck stops him.

“Not now,” he says, shaking his head. “If I start, I’m not gonna be able to stop, and then I’ll get so mad that I’ll probably end up taking it out on Chris, and I really don’t wanna do that. So. Later, when he’s in bed.”

Buck doesn’t even give him a chance to respond before he’s getting out of the car and heading inside. He greets Carla with a hug and a smile, and then he goes straight for Chris, sliding easily into the seat next to him and giving him a kiss on the cheek as he asks how his day was.

It’s a routine Eddie’s all too familiar with. Shannon had done it a million times when they were fighting, glued herself to Christopher’s side and had the time of her life with him all while pretending Eddie didn’t even exist. It hurts more than he cares to admit.

They tuck Chris in together like they do every night, and Buck waits another few minutes to make sure he’s really asleep before he leads Eddie out to the backyard (as far as they can possibly get from Chris’ room, because even at his angriest, he still looks out for their kid above everything else) so they can have their fight.

Although, to be fair, it’s not so much a fight as it is Buck yelling at Eddie and Eddie agreeing with him.

“What happened today can never happen again, Eddie,” Buck starts, sounding so betrayed it makes Eddie’s stomach turn. “I can’t do my job with you getting in my head and making me second guess myself. You had _no right_.”

“I know,” Eddie agrees.

“And you _especially_ can’t throw Christopher in my face every time you don’t want me to do something. It’s not fair. I think about him every fucking second when we’re on a call, and you _know_ that.”

Eddie swallows, throat suddenly dry. “I know, Buck.”

“Do you? I mean, god, do you even trust me at all?” Buck asks.

“Don’t do that, Evan,” he says, shaking his head. “You know I trust you more than anything.”

“Really? Because you sure as hell didn’t act like it,” Buck fires back, gradually getting louder as he goes on. “We always talk about having each other’s backs, but you didn’t have mine today, Eddie. You weren’t thinking about anyone but yourself.”

“I was _scared_ , Buck!”

“You don’t get to be scared when we’re working. You can be scared before and after all you want, but when there are people counting on us, you can’t put me first.”

“God, how many times do I have to say I know?” Eddie snaps. “I freaked out, and I made a mistake, and I’m sorry.”

“We can’t afford to make mistakes like that! Don’t you get it?” Buck’s full on screaming now, no doubt loud enough for the neighbors to hear. “If we keep pulling that shit, there’s no way Bobby’s gonna let us work together anymore.”

Eddie opens his mouth to respond, but the words never come. The reality of the statement crashes into him like a freight train; he hadn’t even thought about that.

“I can’t do this without you,” Buck continues, his voice cracking on the last word. “You’re the best partner I’ve ever had, I don’t _want_ anyone else. I’m better at my job when I have you backing me up. You make me stronger. Don’t take that away from me.”

Buck’s crying now, and Eddie deflates immediately. He hates that Buck’s this upset, and he especially hates that it’s his fault.

“Buck,” he says gently, reaching out for him. “Please, I’m sorry.”

But Buck takes a step back, crossing his arms. Eddie can’t remember a single instance Buck’s ever denied him physical contact of any kind before; it feels like a knife straight to the heart.

“Don’t,” Buck huffs. “Just…don’t. I’m tired, Eddie.”

And with that, he goes back inside, leaving Eddie staring blankly at the spot he’d just been standing.

He feels like the other shoe finally dropped, like he’s been kidding himself thinking any amount of therapy could fix how fundamentally broken he is. This is what he knows, _this_ is what he’s good at: being a fuck up, letting people down until they leave him.

Eddie stays in the backyard for a few minutes, because he knows the drill. Buck’s probably packing a bag right now, calling Maddie to ask if he can stay at her place. He knows it’s coming, but he figures if he sits out here long enough, at least he won’t have to see it. He doesn’t think he can handle watching Buck walk out the door.

After what feels like forever, he finally makes his way back into the house. He feels numb, like he’s on auto-pilot, as he stops in Christopher’s room to check on him and then heads to his own, fully expecting it to be empty. For him to be alone again.

Except Buck’s there, laying in bed reading an article on his phone, just like he does every night before he goes to sleep. All Eddie can do is stare for a second, dumbfounded.

“What are you doing?” he finally asks, hovering in the doorway.

Buck lets out a long sigh, like the mere sound of Eddie’s voice is irritating him. “What do you mean?”

“You’re not…leaving?”

It’s silent for a beat as Buck processes the words.

“Oh,” he says softly once he’s put the pieces together. “Jesus, Eddie.”

Buck gets out of bed and crosses the room so he’s standing in front of him, bringing his hands up to grip Eddie’s arms.

“Hey, look at me,” he says, and Eddie doesn’t want to, but he does. “I’m not leaving just because we got into an argument.”

Eddie blinks at him helplessly, the sentence not computing in his brain. “You’re not?”

“Of course not. We’re gonna fight sometimes, Eds, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna just throw in the towel and walk away,” Buck tells him seriously. “I’m in this no matter what. Nothing’s going to change that. We’re forever, remember?”

Eddie crumbles completely at that, starts crying out of sheer relief. Buck has his arms around him in a second, shushing him as Eddie rests his forehead against Buck’s shoulder.

“I’m not leaving you,” Buck promises, stroking Eddie’s hair gently. “I’m never leaving you.”

Buck stands there with him the whole time, holding him until the tears subside and Eddie’s calm again.

“I love you,” he tells him, pressing a soft kiss to Eddie’s cheek. “I’m still mad at you, though.”

“I know,” Eddie says. “I’m so sorry, Buck. I’ll talk to Bobby, and I swear to god, it’ll never happen again.”

Buck holds out his pinky and raises his eyebrows at Eddie. “Promise?”

“Promise,” Eddie agrees, hooking their pinkies together without hesitation. “I can’t do it without you either. I wouldn’t even want to if I didn’t have you next to me.”

“Okay. I trust you,” Buck says, simple as that. “Now get your ass in bed, and don’t expect me to spoon you like I usually do.”

He cracks a smile at that, and Eddie can’t help but do the same.

Buck still spoons him all night long.

When they tell Frank about the fight at their next session, he gives Buck props for the way he handled the situation, for seeing past his anger and setting it aside to reassure Eddie when he needed it most.

For once, Buck doesn’t just shrug off the praise. He accepts it with a shy but proud smile, adorably pleased at being told he’s learning and growing and doing a good job, and Eddie falls in love with him all over again.

A few months later, not long after his and Buck’s first anniversary, Eddie’s having another one of his off days. It’s a Saturday, and Buck had an early shift, so he’s already long gone by the time Eddie wakes up.

He doesn’t even think twice when he tells Chris, over breakfast, “I’m feeling a little sad today, buddy. What do you think about going to visit Buck at work?”

Chris is all too happy to agree to the plan, after giving Eddie a big hug and telling him he loves him.

The team’s out on a call when they get to the station, so he and Chris set up camp on the couch to play video games in the meantime. As soon as Buck comes up the stairs and sees them, though, his entire face lights up, and Eddie instantly feels more grounded, more at ease.

“Hey! My boys are here!” Buck shouts, grinning from ear to ear. “What are you guys doing?”

He scoops Chris off the couch and spins him around, then sets him down and does the same to Eddie. 

“We wanted to see you,” Eddie says simply once he’s back on the ground. 

“You two literally spend every waking moment together,” Hen points out, an amused smirk on her face. 

“ _And_ every sleeping moment,” Chimney adds. “That’s not enough?”

Eddie just shrugs. “Nope. I still missed him,” he says, looking up at Buck with a fond smile.

“Aw,” Buck coos, kissing Eddie’s forehead. “I love my clingy, codependent boyfriend.”

Eddie snorts at that. “Love you more,” he counters. 

“Love you most.”

“God, you guys are gross,” Chim teases. He rolls his eyes, but he’s grinning. “I hate that I think it’s cute. Why do I think it’s cute?”

“Because we love them, and it’s good to see them so happy. They deserve it,” Bobby says, smiling over at them.

“Yeah, they do,” Hen agrees, clapping Eddie on the shoulder as she walks past them. “I better get a spot in the wedding party, by the way. I earned it, having to watch those painful years of pining.”

Eddie’s not sure what exactly makes him do it. Maybe it’s the realization that all of the things he used to struggle so much with — allowing himself to be vulnerable, to talk freely about how he’s feeling and seek out comfort when he needs it — are second nature to him now, and _he_ did that, with Buck’s help. Maybe it’s that they’re surrounded by their friends, supportive and encouraging and telling them they deserve this, and Eddie actually believes them. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s so secure in their relationship, so completely sure of where they stand and how they feel about each other, that he doesn’t even need to be nervous about Buck’s answer. He already knows. 

“I can get behind that. Buck has to say yes first, though.”

Everyone drops everything to turn and look at them. The easy smile falls off Buck’s face, eyes going wide in surprise. 

“Eddie,” he says slowly, like he’s not sure he’s following. “Are you…?”

Eddie nods, taking Buck’s hands in his own. “Yeah. Marry me, Buck.”

“Yes,” Buck says without hesitation. 

Before Eddie even has a chance to kiss him, everyone’s cheering and huddling around them for a group hug, and he wouldn’t trade it for the world. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to [send me prompts](https://eddiesdiaz.tumblr.com/ask)!


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